Timeless, Sc 11 – 12
Less than a week! It’s less than a week till the curtains rise on a thing so wonderful, so magnificent, so outrageously spectacular that we simply cannot think of what to call it other than “thing.” A week may as well be a lifetime if you’re waiting for a “thing” like this. But to help you bait your breath till we unveil our glorious thing, you could catch up on the script that made this thing… a thing. Timeless, scenes 11 and 12 are now available for reading pleasure.
If you missed the previous scenes, you can do so here:
(The group reappears. This time they end up in a very medieval place. Castles, heroics, damsels in distress, etc. The group pants, brushes themselves off, take a look around. All is quiet)
Max: That never gets any easier! (Rubbing his temples)
Vera: (Taking in her new surroundings.) Here we go again.
Herbert: Alright, Georgie. Come out, come out wherever you are.
Drake: I don’t know how much more of this I can take, to be honest. Grunting cavemen, ravenous dinosaurs, angry gods, boot worshipping tramps, no offence…
Lazarus: None taken.
Drake: What’s next? Knights in shining armour?
Vera: (Suddenly blushing, looking at something off stage.) That’s exactly what’s next.
(Blaring, triumphant trumpeting is heard. A group of knights runs on stage, singing a very triumphant song.)
Knight 1: Ho there! What have we here?
Knight 2: A group of damsels in distress, perhaps?
Drake: Do I look like a damsel to you?
Knight 1: Stand aside, knave, I was addressing the lovely flower behind you.
Max: Flower? Who’s he talking about?
Knight 2: M’lady, dost thou require the assistance of a hitherto admired champion of the people unequalled in the art of restraining the woes of a damsel in distress?
Drake: What’d he say?
Knight 1: Are you a damsel? And are you in distress?
Max: Did you just say swoon?
Vera: What? No! Shut Up!
Lazarus: My good sir, we could indeed use your help, you see –
Knight 1: Quiet down now, boy, we have not the time for a side quest.
Knight 2: We are on a main quest!
Knight 1: For damsels!
Knight 2: The distressed kind.
Knight 1: So, if there are no matters of a distressing nature, then we shall bid you farewell!
Vera: I’m in distress! Oh, so very distressed! Look, I’m trembling like a leaf!
Myra: What a peculiar shade of red your face is going, Vera.
Knight 3: Tally-ho lads! A dragon over yonder hill, I spy!
Knight 2: A dragon? Well, we know what we say to that, don’t we?
Group of Knights: Experience!
Knight 1: For glory, fellows! For glory!
Group of Knights: And experience!
(The group of knights begin to move off, singing their little tune. From the opposite end of the stage comes a rather portly knight, running and stumbling and very much out of breath.)
Sir C: Wait! Don’t leave without me!
Herbert: Oh, who’s this now?
Knight 1: Ho, ho lads! Look who’s finally caught up!
Knight 2: Ah, what a welcome sight it is to see the dragon fodder bringing up the rear!
Knight 3: Keep up! You’re missing out on all the damsels!
(They all laugh at him as they move off stage. Sir C stops and pants near the group.)
Max: What just happened?
Vera: I think I just fell in love.
Herbert: Who are you?
Sir C: (Trying to look regal) I… am… Actually, it doesn’t matter… what my name is. You are strangers to this land. Where do you cometh from-eth?
Herbert: We’re from… ah, you know what, it doesn’t matter either. I’m looking for my sister.
Sir C: You’re looking for your sister?
Sir C: Oh happy day! What a joyous occasion! A wondrous… exciting… amazing…occasion! A damsel! An actual damsel! In distress! After all this time! Oh, the fellows will be so happy!
Max: I don’t really think the fellows care.
Sir C: What? No! Of course, they… oh, what’s the use? They don’t give two monkeys toes about me. And why should they? I can never keep up with them, always the last one into a dragon’s lair. I understand their concerns of course. I just wish that I may serve this land to the best of my abilities. All those other knights… they only wish to serve themselves. But now! Now I can help! Here is a real-life damsel in distress right in front of me! And I can help! How may I be of service, M’lady?
Lazarus: Finally! Someone useful!
Drake: Could definitely use him as a shield if we ever –
Sir C: Where shall we start the search? Have you ever been through here before?
Herbert: Well, actually, no –
(The other knights return from their dragon hunt.)
Knight 1: That is the last time I listen to you! Dragon over yonder hill, indeed!
Knight 3: Apologies, friends, mine eyesight was tricked by some spell, perchance.
Knight 2: Well, I don’t see any witches, do you? Unless my eyes are tricked by some spell.
Knight 1: Look who’s still here!
Sir C: Hello, lads…
Knight 2: has sir Cumference been bested by a group of children?
(The group of kids snort.)
Max: Sorry, not… not funny.
Herbert: Actually, no, he has not been bested. He was helping.
Knight 1: Helping? Him? How?
Herbert: I – well, I am a damsel… in distress… and the brave sir… er…
Knight 2: Cumference.
Herbert: Yes, Sir Cumference has been most helpful.
Knight 1: What’s your name, girl?
Knight 2: Herbert? That’s an odd name for a girl.
Knight 1: And did you notice how she spoke?
Herbert: What’s wrong with the way I speak?
Knight 3: The fact that you, a woman, spoke, is strange enough. Damsels usually swoon in my presence.
Max: Stop that.
Knight 1: Now, Herbert –
Knight 2: Odd name for a girl.
Knight 1: You do not have to feel obligated to be kind to this sad excuse of a knight. He is not nearly as versed in the art of chivalry as we. Let us help you. We can –
Herbert: No, I’m alright, thanks. In fact, I’m more than alright. If it wasn’t for Sir Cumference, I would be in a lot of trouble. You should all be proud to have someone like him in your ranks.
(The knights all turn to each other and burst out laughing.)
Knight 1: Well, I wish you all the best with that. I’m sure that whatever this is will not end badly! When you’re done playing the role of hero, “Sir knight,” my butt plate needs shining.
Herbert: You don’t have to speak to him like that, you know.
Knight 2: Ha! He’s letting his damsel fight his battles for him!
Knight 3: How quaint.
Sir C: Perhaps, if you would, they really are in distress. Herbert here is looking for her sister and she could certainly use our help.
Knight 1: No.
Sir C: Come again?
Knight 1: I said no. This hardly seems worth my time. I have not the time to waste my charms on this one. And a quest as easy as finding a lost little girl hardly seems like the high experience kind.
Group of knights: Experience!
Sir C: Then you are cowards.
Group of knights: (Gasp)
Knight 2: What did you say?
Sir C: I called you all cowards. If you’re not willing to help a girl find her sister, then how can you help anyone else?
Knight 3: How dare you! I slay dragons all the time!
Sir C: I cannot remember the last time you actually saw a dragon, let alone slew one. You are not worthy of the title “knight.” In fact, your face isn’t even worth a sunburn.
Knight 3: That’s it! I challenge you to a duel, sir!
Knight 2: So do I!
Knight 1: I challenge you the most! Draw your sword!
(The three knights draw their swords at once and point them at Sir C.)
Sir C: Ah. Well… this certainly took a turn for the worse.
Herbert: Wait! Can’t you see? He was defending my honour.
Knight 1: Then I challenge you to a duel!
Max: If you challenge her to a duel, I challenge you to a duel, you boil!
Knight 3: Knave! You have insulted us! I challenge you to a duel!
Drake: Well, I’m not going to let Max get all the glory. I challenge you to a duel!
Knight 2: The glory shall be mine! I challenge you to a duel!
Lazarus: I’m going for a wee. (He walks off stage)
Myra: You’re swooning? Now?
Knight 1: Draw your swords.
Max: Didn’t really think this through, you see –
Drake: We don’t have any.
Knight 3: No matter, we carry spares for just this situation.
Drakes: That’s handy.
(The knights give the group some swords.)
Knight 1: Ready? En-Garde!
(Everyone readies themselves)
Max: Herbert. Are we seriously doing this?
Sir C: Follow my lead, young sir. I’ll not let any misfortune befall you or the fair Herbert. (To the knights) If you will permit me, I would like to take all challenges issued here, on the condition that we let the young ones sit this round out. Wouldn’t want the stories to spread that three strapping knights such as yourselves de-limbed some children.
Knight 1: He has a point. Very well. All three of us against you then!
Sir C: Oh boy. Yes! That is… the idea… I guess. En-Garde!
(All three knights strike high at the same time. Sir C blocks all three at once.)
Sir C: Ha Ha! This isn’t so bad! (His sword breaks) Oh. Don’t suppose you have any more spares?
Lazarus: (Coming back in with a sword) I don’t know if this’ll help at all, but I found it –
Max: Toss it to Sir Cumference!
(Lazarus does so. Sir C catches it just before the other knights attack again. This time the duel is in full swing. He faces them off bravely at first, but it soon becomes apparent that he cannot keep this up forever. He stumbles, misses his block and all three knights have their sword tips pointed at Sir C’s throat. The children all gasp appropriately.)
Knight 1: Any last words?
Sir C: Just one. Experience!
Group of knights: (Raising their swords into the air.) Experience!
(Sir C takes the opportunity to swing at their midsections which cause all their trousers to fall down. At this, they drop their swords to pick up their trousers, but Sir C has his sword pointed at them which in turn causes them to put their hands in the air, which in turn causes their trousers to fall down again.)
Group of knights: We yield! We yield!
(The children burst with laughter and shouts of celebration.)
Max: (On the verge of a breakdown) I can’t take it anymore. I just can’t.
(Vera puts a comforting arm around Max’s shoulders as they go to congratulate Sir C.)
Herbert: Lazarus? Where’d you find that sword?
Lazarus: What? Oh, I was running through those bushes over there when I tripped over it. Strange, it was stuck in a –
Knight 1: He holds Excalibur!
Knight 2: The legends were true!
Knight 3: He who drew the sword Excalibur from the stone shall be named King!
(A hush falls onto the crowd)
Knight 3: Long live the king! Long live the king! (The chanting spreads through the crowd of knights as they bend the knee to Sir C.)
Sir C: (Sheepishly.) That’s not… necessary… you can get up now… You go on ahead to the castle… I’ll catch up. (Knights off, chanting Long Live the King.) Thank you, young masters. You’ve given me my courage today.
Herbert: You had it in you all the time.
Sir C: Here, take this. (He gives Herbert Excalibur)
Herbert: But, don’t you need it? You know, to be king?
Sir C: One does not need a sword to be a good king. Besides, I didn’t draw it from the stone, though they don’t need to know that.
Herbert: We won’t tell if you don’t.
Sir C: Keep it. Something to remember me by. Goodbye friends! I shall never forget you, for as long I live! Especially you, lady Herbert!
Herbert: (Thinks about something. After a moment) Hang on. Lazarus?
Herbert: Did you pull that sword from a stone?
Lazarus: Yes. Why?
Drake: But that means –
Max: Lazarus is technically –
Vera: I mean, if you believe in those kinds of legends, then yes, he –
Lazarus: What? What is it?
Herbert: We’ll tell you later.
Drake: Now what?
Herbert: Well. We keep looking. I’m not asking any of you to come with me. It’s been a rough –
Max: Spare us. I think I speak for all of us when I say we want to see this through to the end.
Myra: Agreed. Plus, I think I’m getting the hang of this thing. Where would you like to go next?
Herbert: (Smiles at the group.) Any time.
(Montage of the group going through several different time periods, but cannot find Georgie. They keep getting ushered in the wrong direction by people wearing clothes from different eras.)
(After a while, they end up in what looks like the present, back where this all started.)
Vera: Where are we?
Drake: I don’t even care anymore. Let’s just ask whoever about whatever and get it over with.
Max: I don’t know if my face hurts less or I’m just getting used to it by now. Do things look a little familiar?
Vera: We’re back where we started!
Drake: Really?! Home!
Myra: Technically, you never left home.
Drake: We’re back! We’re finally back!
Max: But that means –
Herbert: Georgie’s gone. We’ve looked everywhere, and Georgie’s gone.
Vera: Well, she can’t be gone.
Max: She must still be somewhere. We can try again. People don’t just vanish.
Drake: Clearly, they do.
Max: Drake –
Drake: No, I’m sorry. I’ve had just about all I can handle. Arrows, swords, cavemen, dinosaurs, angry gods and philosophers. Did you see that thing back when the world was flooded? No way I’m going back there. As far as I’m concerned, Georgie’s gone. Poof! Like magic. Nowhere to be seen.
Max: There’s always a way. There must be.
Drake: Why are you so concerned, anyway? You don’t have anything to gain from all this. None of you do. Why are you sticking around? Even Herbert should know better. Is Georgie really worth getting sliced in half for?
Max: You’re a coward.
Drake: Maybe I am. But a live one. Herbert, you have to see I’m right.
Herbert: She’s my sister.
Drake: (Sighs) Then I won’t be seeing any of you in history class. I don’t know who the lucky ones are. (He makes to leave.)
Vera: Drake. Drake! Don’t be such an ass! Come back here.
Max: You say Georgie isn’t worth getting sliced in half for. What about Herbert?
Drake: Fine. But I’m not going to like it.
Vera: Oh, come on, yes you will.
Drake: No, I won’t.
Vera: Fine. Just sit there and pout then.
Herbert: You guys should go.
Vera: No way!
Herbert: Maybe he’s right.
Max: Maybe he isn’t.
Herbert: But maybe he is. And if he is, I don’t want you guys coming along with me. I wouldn’t ask that. I need to do this alone.
Vera: Where will you go?
Herbert: I’ll start again. From the beginning.
Max: From the beginning? Could take you a while.
Herbert: It’s not like I have a choice, we’ve already looked –
Max: Herbert? Are you ok?
Lazarus: She has frozen like someone with an idea. She’s in an idea-freeze.
Vera: Herbert, what are you thinking?
Herbert: We haven’t looked everywhere.
Vera: What do you mean? You saw the same things we saw unless I’m missing something.
Myra: (Smiling) You’re a genius, Herbert.
Herbert: Not really. Would’ve figured it out a long time ago if I was a genius.
Myra: Couldn’t have gone there, even if we did figure it out earlier.
Herbert: Could you take me there?
Vera: Would you mind telling me what’s going on?
Myra: I think so. At least, I’m pretty sure I know how. It’s the number of turns you give it, not where the hands are pointing. It’ll take a little math, but I think we can do it.
Herbert: Alright. Let’s get to it.
Lazarus: I cannot wait to see where we’re going next!
Herbert: I don’t expect you to come, Lazarus.
Lazarus: I’m sorry, but you’re stuck with me.
Max: If there’s one more place to look, then we have to look.
Vera: Let’s go already!
Herbert: (Nodding) Alright Myra?
Myra: Just one more second… I think I got it. (Hesitates) Are you sure about this? The villain might be there. (Herbert thinks, and nods.) Alright, here we go.
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